I woke up this morning and did my usual routine on my day off. Sleep in till my child’s literally knocks on my forehead to see if I’m awake, get up turn on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and fix her a bowl a cereal. Head for the bathroom, brush my teeth, scrape my tongue, shower rinse and repeat. When I stepped out and dried off, a sense of gratitude came over me. It was pleasant. I got dressed and walked down my hallway to the sun beaming through my patio window past my fireplace into my living room. Coffee was brewing and the aroma was filling my kitchen. My spirit was light. When I knelt down to chant at my alter this morning, I chanted in gratitude for all that I have. I like to chant at least once a week and it’s my time to ask the universe for guidance, or assistance or even just to thank you. I don’t speak about being Buddhist and chanting too often because it’s something very personal to me but this morning something told me to acknowledge the gratitude that was on my heart. I complain about living out here in Washington a lot versus being back home in California when this is what I asked for and I realized I enjoy the privilege that I’ve been given and take advantage of it. So I haven’t made very many friends that I can kick it with outside of work, that shouldn’t stop me from enjoying the scenery of all this green and pretty flowers and lake views and shit. It’s actually not too bad out here. The people, are a little different than what I’m used to but it’s nice to be able to observe how other people exist in a new habitat.
I’m entering a new chapter in my life called Acceptance & Appreciation. I’m starting to really accept my flaws, imperfections and insecurities and appreciating them. I cannot tell you how often I would be insecure or ashamed of how I look, how thin I am, how my hair was never like this person’s or that person’s, how I wasn’t tall like the rest of ’em, or I couldn’t ball like so and so. Sounds trivial but it’s honest. It took me a minute to accept those things and appreciate that those are the things that make me, me. I wouldn’t want be anyone else. For the longest time, I always thought happy people were those were always smiling and friendly and friends with everyone. Chipper ass folks that fart sunshine you know? And I used to hate on them. I will admit I was a hater. Happy ass people take that giddy shit out here. For what thought? Why? I had no reason to be a hater, but that was me not being happy with myself. So I had a tough life, seen some shit growing up that I probably shouldn’t have but I did. I’m here and I think I’ve done pretty well for myself and I can’t be nothing but grateful. There’s a lot of ways I could’ve ended up. Any of you who know my father know what I’m talkin’ about. All that I’ve accomplished I’ve done without any assistance when I thought I needed it to succeed. Growing up I had blamed a lot of people in my life for not extending a hand or giving some type of directions to help navigate through this crazy world. I was speaking to my cousin the other day about this. We grew up very similarly. Single mom households with no male guidance. To some, that may seem unnecessary but it’s SO NECESSARY. He was expressing his anger and frustration about the subject and I told him that we can’t blame this guy or that person anymore because we may not be “ballin'” but we better than most and we did on our own. Only thing we can do is be grateful and make damn sure that we extend that hand to someone in need when asked.
I can’t be mad at anyone for not wanting to show me how to get where I’m at. Perhaps they just didn’t know how. I can’t beat myself up for what I don’t have and not acknowledge all that I do have. My insecurities and flaws and all that don’t mean shit. Everyone has them shits and if they say they don’t they lyin’. I’m fly regardless. I don’t like hangin’ with too many people because I tend to be a pessimist and I completely fine that. My name is Mack and I’m anti-social as fuck. With all that said I’m happy and thankful for it. Peace.